Why Bitches Do Weird Shit

ONYD

This is the title of an imaginary conversation I just had with my young adult sons.

A little background:  I had custody of my sons (they have different dads) in 2005 when I let them go live with their fathers because I got married and moved to Canada.  I was a chronic alcoholic at the time and very sick.  So – skipping forward a decade – I missed out on my son’s lives.  I missed important dates, experiences, issues, – everything really.  And it sucks.  And I can’t get it back.  And neither can they.

And “I’m sorry” doesn’t undo a thing or mean much.

So, I go on these little mind “trips” every once in a while and have talks with them in my head that I wish I’d had with them in person when they were younger.  It was my duty as their mother to help them understand and interact well with the opposite sex.  That’s just a given.  And I didn’t do it because I wasn’t there.

So, in my mind, I’m sitting across the kitchen table from the both of them.  I have their full attention, and (think of the movie Inception here) in my mind (in this fantasy) I know they’re holding their breath and hoping this won’t take long so that they can get on with life.  Because no one – usually – enjoys a parent’s speech.

“Sons, I just love you both so much.  Okay then – here we go.  Women are wonderful (full of wonder) creatures.  We’re lovable – you get that.  We’re soft and our hair is fluffy and we can be delicate and pretty, and sometimes we know how to cook yummy stuff.  We’re fun to be around, you like the sound of our laugh and the softness of our skin.  And of course, sex is a lot of fun.  But – when you start to notice a woman doing weird shit, it’s because she’s gotten off course from the map in her heart.

What that means is she’s not living in alignment with her values and she can’t do that if her needs aren’t being met – BY HER – not by you.  She’s responsible for her stuff in the same way you’re responsible for making sure your needs are met so that you can live in alignment with your values.

intention train

Think of a train on a track in your heart.  Your heart is the train.  The track is your soul’s intention.  Everyone’s heart desperately wants to follow the soul’s intention.  Do NOT roll your eyes at me! This is important! Now, when you ignore the messages of your heart and live according to your wants, ideas of shoulds/shouldn’t’s, and what you think the world wants/expects OF you – you’re going to be one unhappy traveler because most likely, your train will keep jumping the tracks.  And your life will mirror this.  You’ll feel unmotivated, fearful, depressed, ambivalent, uncertain, or bored.

This is true for everyone.

Life has purpose – for every individual – and the key to uncovering each individual’s purpose lies within their hearts.  So if your woman starts acting freaky – she might be a little off track. Ask her what she thinks she needs and how she thinks she can get it.  What does she need to change or add in her personal life?  And remember – you are never any one’s problem.  Don’t ever let yourself be forced into taking responsibility for someone else’s train.

Trains that run parallel will offer great rewards.

sidebyside

Capish?”

Dissonance

via Daily Prompt: Harmony

  • a tension or clash resulting from the combination of two disharmonious or unsuitable elements.

Those disharmonious elements are the entire organism that is the human body and an abundance of alcohol.  Four bottles of wine a day – every day without a break for years – creates an unbelievable dissonance.  Rather than having cells and tissue and organs and mental faculties and balance working in harmony as part of the whole, every molecule in the body screams for two different things to happen: for the alcohol to stop/equilibrium to return and for more alcohol to stave the hunger.  That hunger is addiction.

It’s the most awful twisted clusterfuck of agony one can imagine.

My body is incredible.  It actually tells me what it needs through pings of pain or hunger or sleepiness or thoughtfulness or yearnings.  It’s an amazing companion, really.  I never knew.

Sometimes, I’ve felt trapped in here – inside my head and body.  But in sobriety, I realize it’s a very temporary home.  And sometimes I have to force myself not to think too much about the fragility and preciousness of life because now that I’m approaching one year without a drink, I’m all too aware of how easy it is to get yanked right out of this world.

I want to live.

I am living.

In harmony.

harmony

 

SPIKE

via Daily Prompt: Spike

A thorn comes to mind – a specific thorn used by the Shepherd in the book Hinds’ Feet on High Places.  The story follows young, crippled Much Afraid.  She lives in the Valley of Humiliation surrounded by the Shephard’s workers and her Fearling relatives.  Her heart’s desire is to follow the Shepherd up to the High Places and to escape her awful family, but her feet are lame and she has much fear and trembling in her heart.

One day, she expresses to the Shepherd her wish to go to the High Places.  He says that he will take her, but that it will be a long journey.  He tells her that she must trust him completely – no matter what the journey looks like and no matter where it takes her.  He promises her several things – two guides (Sorrow and Suffering), to make her feet like hinds feet, and to change her name once she gets there.  And then he asks her if she is willing.  She considers the consequences and understands that – according to what he’s just said – it could take her a lifetime to reach the high places.  But she loves him and she does trust him.  So she says yes.

She bears her heart to him and allows him to plant the seed of love into it.  The seed is the shape of a thorn and it’s quite painful going in but only for an instant.    He explains that by the time she reaches the High Places, the seed/thorn will be ready to bloom.

seed of love

The book is the story of her adventure and it’s just brilliant!

Habakkuk 3:19, “The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds’ feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places.”

People Tend To Believe What They Hear Themselves Say

Even when what they’re saying is utter crap.

How often do we hear people say “I don’t know” and then stop talking? How often do we hear people try to figure out what they mean while they’re talking?  “Well, I don’t know what I mean, but these words strung together sure are resonating.  Let me get back to you on that.”

IDK

That would be so refreshing.  Listening to people admit that they don’t have it all figured out.  Listening to people who don’t take themselves so seriously that they can just be authentic and shrug off the pressure to have an immediate answer.

I wonder how many of us consider whether we’re speaking and acting in awareness or speaking and acting in reaction.  I wonder how many people even know what that means.

HWB Beliefs are habitual ways of thinking that move along grooved neural pathways.  That seems dreadful to me in a way because I find habits so – monotonous (boring).  Outdated beliefs then must not serve us.  I wonder how often people stop and consider their beliefs.  I never knew to consider mine until recently.  I didn’t even realize I had ongoing beliefs (plural) – it’s not exactly the kind of thing I walked around thinking about.

My coaching program is lighting up my imagination like a fireworks display.

Do you react to life all day every day or are you strategic, considering, and conscious?

In the spirit of the title of this post, I’ve decided to practice a mantra in an attempt to create a new neural pathway in my brain.

noun: mantra; plural noun: mantras
  1. (originally in Hinduism and Buddhism) a word or sound repeated to aid concentration in meditation.
    a statement or slogan repeated frequently.

Habitual thinking creates pathways – grooves – in our brains.  Have you ever repeated arguments in your head with someone because you just haven’t or won’t let it go? (I do it all the effing time – it’s a habit)  Well, that thinking behavior is similar to a mantra.  We’ve created a neural groove for it in our brain by thinking about it so often.  This is why it pops into our head so easily all the time – the groove is just waiting for it. The good news?  We can regroove our brains.  Yes!  The old pathways can be erased or recoded by practicing new thoughts/mantras with the understanding that it’ll take time.  This is no different than creating a new habit – it’ll take lots of regular practice.

savechant

I’ve heard people chant before and honestly, the idea of doing this makes me feel a little uncomfortable because I think it’s corny.   So, I’m only going to do it aloud at home in front of my dog. That said, I am trying to reinvent myself here, and I’ve only got another 360 days to go, so I’m willing to try just about anything.

What I know about this mantra business is this – it has to be believed by the person saying it.  You can’t say a mantra that you don’t believe and expect it to work (the regrooving process).  I could never take myself seriously repeating a mantra like “I am love and peace and light and feathery white glory.”  Or some cheesy gooey ew like that.  I’m just not that kind of a dork.

Remember Stuart Smalley from SNL?  He was a mantra guy.  Here are some of his favorites:

  • “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.”
  • “I am a worthy human being.”
  • “Trace it, face it, and erase it.”
  • “…and that’s…okay.”
  • “I’m in a shame spiral.”
  • “I am a human being, not a human doing.”

~

In all seriousness …

EM I’m told this will work if I take it seriously.  So, here’s my mantra – “I have a purpose.  I survived addiction and I will use what I know and the tools available to me to help people into recovery. I will have fun, travel, form relationships, learn, and explore along the way.” 

I can live with that.

Peace

Lotus

Four Days In – Focus

bud  I have consistently mistaken focus for paying attention.  I heard the phrase “Pay ATTENTION” countless times as a kid and it was always a jarring experience.  My immediate reaction has always been to try to shake it off or snap out of it.   Today, I realize that paying attention is more-or-less a short term process whereas focus can be a lifelong practice – once the proper mindset is in place.

I pay attention when I’m cooking (usually) and driving (pleading the 5th).  But when I finish those tasks, I stop thinking about them entirely.  I’ve discovered (as opposed to being taught) that when I’m focusing – it’s always on something that interests me – an invested interest.  Recently, I’ve become invested in life – and not just mine.  It makes sense to me that we’re all – every human on the planet – part of something bigger.  Something bigger that breathes one breath into all living things.

That makes us all related.  Somehow.

Hm.

Today I focused not only on meditation and exercise and study and all the things I wanted to accomplish, but I focused on them while doing them.  Groundbreaking.  Two weeks ago I was forcing myself to do things I didn’t want to do and then while I was doing them,  and agonizing over it because I was miserable, I wasn’t present or focused.  I was fantasizing about other stuff.  And this means that nothing I did was done well.

Talk about a waste of time and energy.

It’s amazing how easy it is to focus on things I once couldn’t stand to do after I learned how to change my perspective.  To touch on yesterday’s post – I had to discover my values.  Doing this has been one of the most eye-opening experiences I’ve ever had.  But fun questions help too.

  1. If you did know, what would the answer be?
  2. What would have to happen for you to be able to achieve that?
  3. What would you be prepared to die for?
  4. What does success look like – to you?

Enjoy 🙂

Day 3

Happy Tuesday, everyone!

🙂

So – get a load of this.  During my peer coaching class last night, J told me that he had a client for me.  He’s already a coach with Tony Robbins, but he’s getting a new certification through the program I’m taking.  I was super surprised and excited and said “OKAY” when he asked me to email him about the client this morning.

I did.

And the client turned out to be –

His mother.

12345

I could not believe it.  I don’t know J.  He lives in another state – we’ve never met.  We’ve only been in our coaching program together for three months!

I just had to share this.  I am honored that he would trust me to help his mother.

~

Moving forward – I have a question and I wonder which one among you will answer me this: did I make an excuse today for exercising when I substituted it for cleaning a three-bedroom house?  It was a two-hour job and yes, it has a second story.  (No, I do not look that fit – yet.  On the upside, I am not a cartoon.)

cleaning exercise

~

I want to share an exercise that we’re working on in my coaching class.  We recently took several assessments to discover our needs and core values.  I’m not talking about essential needs that everyone shares like air and water.  I’m talking about personal needs – the needs you don’t necessarily share with your partner or family.  For example – I need to live in a quite and peaceful environment.  This is a need for me and not a want because I don’t function well around noise.  My block-out-the-noise filter doesn’t work.  I also need clarity and accuracy in my communications and exchanges. Those things are a big deal to me, but to you, maybe not so much.  Core values work in a similar way in that they’re personal.

Here are several examples of the difference between a need and a want.  You want a new car.  You need reliable transportation to get to work.  You want to travel the world.  You need to have different cultural experiences.  You want a million dollars.  You need to feel financially secure.  Your needs and your personal values make you YOU

Why is it important to know your needs and values?  Because when people live a life that is not in alignment with their needs and values – they suffer.  They wake up unhappy, unmotivated, unfulfilled, and uninspired and these feelings affect the body.  People know intuitively that something is wrong, but they don’t know what.  This can be especially weird when someone acknowledges that he or she has everything they want.  “Why am I so down when I don’t need a thing?”

Wanting, needing, and valuing aren’t the same.

I’m including a couple of links here in case you’d like to discover your needs and core values.  Discovering them and then implementing them into your life on a daily basis might just change your life. How?  Because knowing them will change your perspective!

Rocky bubble

(My screensaver image that I think is so cool!)

Knowing your values might make you feel better about getting out of bed every day because you’ll know yourself a little bit better.  Or maybe you’ll be shocked to discover that you value teaching (for example) when the thought of teaching has never crossed your mind even though in reality, you teach regularly to co-workers or whomever in the form of explanations and sharing things because it comes naturally to you.  Regardless – these assessments are fun and they don’t take too much time.

This first link will take you to Cheryl Weir’s site. http://www.cherylweir.com/assessments.html Her assessment is a little pricey and it’s lengthy, but I’m including it because it’s the assessment we took in class.  It’s detailed and spot-on.  This link http://thegoodproject.org/toolkits-curricula/the-goodwork-toolkit/value-sort-activity/ will take you to a bizarrely frustrating site that forces you to choose what’s most important to you in ranking order.  You might be surprised at how long it takes to sort through the list and at what your results are.  But when you realize the top four or five values, you can then begin to figure out how to piece them into your life if they’re not already there, resulting in a happier healthier YOU!

Sweet.

There are loads of needs and values assessments out there and google is your friend in this case.  Have fun with it.  Self-discovery is exciting!  It makes the universe feel a little friendlier!
FU
See you tomorrow!  🙂