- a tension or clash resulting from the combination of two disharmonious or unsuitable elements.
Those disharmonious elements are the entire organism that is the human body and an abundance of alcohol. Four bottles of wine a day – every day without a break for years – creates an unbelievable dissonance. Rather than having cells and tissue and organs and mental faculties and balance working in harmony as part of the whole, every molecule in the body screams for two different things to happen: for the alcohol to stop/equilibrium to return and for more alcohol to stave the hunger. That hunger is addiction.
It’s the most awful twisted clusterfuck of agony one can imagine.
My body is incredible. It actually tells me what it needs through pings of pain or hunger or sleepiness or thoughtfulness or yearnings. It’s an amazing companion, really. I never knew.
Sometimes, I’ve felt trapped in here – inside my head and body. But in sobriety, I realize it’s a very temporary home. And sometimes I have to force myself not to think too much about the fragility and preciousness of life because now that I’m approaching one year without a drink, I’m all too aware of how easy it is to get yanked right out of this world.
I want to live.
I am living.