It was about 18 months ago during one of my more harrowing withdrawal episodes that I got down to 97 lbs. I remember rounding the corner from a puking episode in the bathroom when I was confronted by my emaciated figure in the full-length mirror. My thighs, in particular, got my attention. I looked – – – awful. Now, I’m only 5’5 – but 97 lbs doesn’t look right on anyone two minutes outside adolescence.
While thin is in in our culture – anorexic and sick isn’t. And that’s how I looked. Fast forward to this past Christmas – when it seems like I was putting on weight daily – I weighed in at 125lbs. And FREAKED OUT. The last time I weighed that much, I was pregnant. My normal weight – back before I started drinking alcoholically in 1995 – was around 112. Now – I get it that as we age, the body settles. We naturally gain weight because our metabolism slows, but wait just a minute! I’m a C cup now! This is too much! My body seems to have found equilibrium at a nice and round 120lbs. And I don’t know what to do! Every pair of pants I own is too tight.
I don’t eat junk food. I don’t eat a lot of food. I’ve never been on a diet in my life and I’m not inclined to start one because I know that eventually – I’ll get right back off. But I really screwed up because while drinking for the better part of 19 years – I LOST 19 YEARS. And suddenly, I’m faced with the reality that I AGED.
So, while I’m avid about losing weight and looking fit, I’m not avid – at all – about putting together and implementing an exercise routine that’ll make me look like Madonna.
I might come close to looking like I did after two kids when I was 26 if I work out five days a week for two hours a day, but I don’t know that I’m willing to do that. I can’t see – from here – that the return will be worth it. But maybe that’s the problem – I can only see what might be in my mind. Maybe I should just focus on working hard – today.
Sobriety is bringing all sorts of unforeseen challenges.
This morning I was envisioning owning land. I’ve always wanted to build a round house.
It’s going to be amazing. I plan to leave it to my kids. I was laying in bed, thinking about how nice it would be to wake up there on a summer morning and walk out onto my deck with coffee in hand to look out over my garden and the sanctuary I’ve created. My land will be very private and quiet – woodsy, but open.
I envisioned myself with years of sobriety and success as a coach, and a very healthy and fit mind and body with long white hair that I keep in a bun because bugs seem to like to fly into it. And I’ll always wear blue jeans or skirts. And flip-flops because I don’t like shoes or things around my ankles.
Can Will I make all that stuff happen? I’m an avid envisioner of my future, but not so much of all of the diligent work involved. I think that if I stop thinking so much and just start doing – it’ll all come together as long as I stay out of my own way.
How did I get from losing weight to owning land, building a round house, and having long white hair that I keep in a bun?