The Dawn Of Recognition Is Here

No one ever told me in treatment that I would have to learn to sit through uncomfortable feelings.

~

Just let that marinate for a minute.

~

Am I the only one who feels a little miffed about having to do this?

~

My history is comprised of either getting drunk or getting through withdrawal.  Was I able to do other things during these episodes?  Yes – sometimes.  But sitting through uncomfortable feelings like irritability wasn’t one of them.

Recently, I have started to experience uncomfortable feelings – irritability and impatience most significantly.  I’m experiencing sensations of not doing anything important or maybe that I’m not accomplishing things fast enough.  Regardless – this uncomfortableness is making me uncomfortable.  Now – there are probably several good reasons to explain this – which I feel is important to do because these uncomfortable feelings have got to be originating from something.

My period is here and it’s had a shaky comeback over the past year.  I’ll be celebrating one year of sobriety on 11 May and my dad is coming out to celebrate with me.  We haven’t seen one another for over four years.  Okay, so some big things are happening or about to happen that could be logically contributing to my mood swings.  THAT SAID – what I’m having to learn is that I can NOT allow my moods to run my show – and I always have.

So this is weird and new and awkward.  And I don’t like it.

I had a dream last night that while I was driving in the dark, the steering wheel popped off.  It wasn’t scary, but I woke up anyway and knew EXACTLY what the dream meant.  In the dream, I am the car.  The steering wheel  popped off because I am allowing what I WANT and what I DON’T WANT to do – to run my show.  When I don’t want to do something – I don’t FUCKING WANT TO DO IT.  PERIOD.  And in the past – that was the answer.  But that is NOT OKAY anymore.  Whether I want to do something or not is beside the point.  AND – this want/don’t want issue is getting in the way of my ability to accomplish my goals.  Exercise for example; I’m having a hell of a time making myself exercise when I don’t want to.  Why would I exercise when I DON’T WANT TO?!

Ooooh.  Riiigghhhtt.  BECAUSE I WON’T GET IN SHAPE IF I DON’T.

(I am not a dumb shit.  I am not a dumb shit.  I am not a dumb shit.)

Sigh.  Why didn’t anyone teach us in treatment that we’d have to teach ourselves what it looks and feels like to persevere through uncomfortable feelings?  Through feelings of I DON’T WANT TO?

As a coach, explaining this will be one of my missions!

I SWEAR IT.

It’s an extremely valuable bit of information.

The dawn of recognition is here!

I started this blog to keep myself accountable, but I didn’t ENVISION a real theme for it.   I had goals – getting in shape, creating new habits, expanding my – whatever needs expanding, but I didn’t have a vision.  Today, I’m beginning to form a vision for this blog and for my future – things/outcomes I can actually see.

I recognize the value and importance of creating and focusing on a vision – something that I can actually see in my head – something that I can manifest.

I CAN DO THIS!

  I think I’m going to take you – my readers – on a life coaching journey right here.  This idea seems to be sitting well in my heart.  I still have another 11 1/2 months to go with this blog, so – I’ll bring it  – you all can see what I’ve got – and then we’ll all see what happens!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s