In my mind’s eye, I descend on the part of my personality that creates unnecessary issues. I sneak up on it – toss a net over it – tie it up – haul it off to an island with plenty of M&Ms and Pure Leaf wild blackberry tea – and set it free.
Without a boat.
Is it just me or do others argue with themselves over things they don’t want to do, too? It’s starting to get really old. I’m trying to learn how to ignore that part of myself and just DO things anyway. Maybe what needs to happen is once I decide to do something, I need to do it immediately before the voice in my head starts to bitch about not wanting to do it.
At first, I thought to give the voice a chance to express itself, but now I wonder if it’s just disagreeable naturally.
Just a short rant. A little self-coaching going on. Still trying to figure myself out.
Here’s another one:
I had an awkward run-in yesterday with the son of the woman who owns the property I live on. He’s 28 – a year older than my oldest kid. I could hear people out in the yard, including a young kid and a dog. I could hear them because I had the front door to my studio open. Until the owner’s son closed my front door. I heard him do it. I walked downstairs, opened the door – didn’t see him, and went back upstairs. Two minutes later he closed it again. I trotted back downstairs and opened my door again. All the way. His friends were across the yard – but he was nowhere in sight.
And I was getting pissed off.
He hadn’t knocked or even bothered to call my name and ask if he could close my front door. He just kept doing it.
So I went back upstairs and not a minute later, he closed my door again. Without a word. I was so peeved I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. I opened the door and caught him halfway across the yard. He said he thought the wind kept blowing the door open, says he’s got a kid and a dog outside – and would I mind closing my door.
FUCK YES, I MIND. DUDE. DO NOT CLOSE MY DOOR.
But that isn’t what I said. What I said was “I’d really appreciate it if you’d ask instead of just closing my door. I want it open.”
So he apologized.
Guess what he did next. He put a screen across the front of my open doorway to prevent the dog and kid from coming upstairs into my studio. Now – I get it that maybe he thought he was doing himself and me a favor. But the problem was that he never once communicated with me. He just did these things.
And I all but went nuts.
Maybe this is me being moody & PMS-ey. And I’m being offered lessons about how to manage uncomfortable feelings during WEIRD situations. Life on life’s terms. People run into weird situations with others all the time, and I wonder how someone else would have handled the same situation. I imagine plenty of people would have been fine with the guy closing the front door – but his glaring assumptions and behavior were boundary issues for me.
WOW! Learning what is and what isn’t the right thing to say/do – for me – is a lot to take in.
I’m a wee bit proud of my self-control last night. I didn’t drink and I didn’t go off on the guy – and I honestly thought about both. Back in the day, I would have. Instead, I left with the dog and went to the beach for an hour. But changing my environment was a lot easier than turning off what he’d done in my head. Unfortunately, I was unable to talk myself out of replaying the events, which I took to the beach and that made it impossible to enjoy.
There have got to be people out there who know how to leave things where they end.
Where are you and how did you learn to do it?